3 Ways Social Media Makes Us Terrible People

A little while ago, there was a video circulating the internet called "I Forgot My Phone." If you haven't seen it, you can watch it here. If you don't feel like watching it, it's basically a commentary on how social media isolates us and while our lives are more accessible, social media actually disconnects us. We're so focused on documenting our lives that we're not actually taking the time to enjoy our experiences.

"I know it's getting cold but I haven't picked the right filter yet!"

I know I've been guilty of the same thing so I'm not pointing fingers, or at least I'm trying not to. What I've been noticing as a result, however, is that as we as a society are forgetting how to interact with each other in person. Behind our computer screens, we'll post everything from the intimate details of our sex lives to pictures of poop. It used to be that people felt braver to behave badly behind their computer screens (see: any Youtube comments) but it's starting to bleed over into our real life interactions. Websites like Twitter have led us to believe that every little thing happening in our lives is important and worth sharing with the public.

Someone on my Facebook newsfeed recently posted an update stating the time.
This really happened.
I wish I were making it up.

This sense of importance has translated into people thinking that they are the center of attention not only on their Facebook profiles but everywhere they go. Perhaps my views are just tainted by the fact that I work in the service industry but social media seems to be turning us into shitty people.

1. We are too impatient.

No one likes to wait. However, this sense of entitlement from social media appears to have not only made people dislike waiting even more but incapable of waiting. Come on, think about the last time you had to deal with slow internet or a phone that took too long to load an app.

Tonight was a perfect example. My husband and I went to the store and while we picked up a few groceries, we put in an order at the deli counter for a couple sandwiches. While they were making the sandwiches, we cruised around the store and picked out our groceries the way we've done a dozen times before. We came back and my husband saw a couple people fill out some slips for sandwiches and maybe thirty seconds later, sandwiches were finished and the people grabbed them and went off about their shopping. We thought it was odd that ours weren't up yet so we waited. And waited. And waited. I was about to ask the lady behind the deli counter about our sandwiches when the couple came back up to the counter and declared, "Um, these aren't our sandwiches!" The woman behind the counter gave them a look like they were slightly stupid and held up the sandwiches she had just finished making. The couple took their sandwiches and returned the others which, it turned out, were our sandwiches.

Normally this wouldn't be too big of a deal to me because hey, accidents happen. But the sandwiches are labeled with the customers' names as per the order slips that they themselves filled out. "Sue" looks a little different from "Emily." But this is kind of my point--these people filled out slips for sandwiches and then assumed that the sandwiches that came up less than a minute later had to be theirs because clearly they were the only people in the crowded deli. People have become unable to consider that someone else might receive service before them because Instagram never says, "Hang on, fourteen other people are posting pictures of that same sunset. We'll get to yours in a minute," when they hit the submit button. 

Which leads to . . .

2. We can't fathom that everything we want isn't available at the moment we want it.

People are not Google.

I once had a girl come into the bar and order a certain type of vodka. When I told her we didn't carry that particular brand, she threw a tantrum. An adult, at least of legal drinking age, threw a full blown tantrum that the bar she was at didn't have her preferred drink. I suggested alternate brands that we did have in stock and she begrudgingly picked one. After I made the drink for her I set it on the bar and told her how much she owed. The girl ignored me while texting something in her phone, no doubt updating her Facebook about what a stupid bar this was. I waited a moment and watched her proceed to use her purse to push over a stack of plastic water glasses that were set up at the water station beside her. She glanced down at the cups and then back up at me, holding out her card for me to run. "Oops," she said, glaring at me with one eyebrow raised. 

All because I told her we didn't carry her favorite kind of vodka.

Or any drink.

We're becoming ruder as a people because we feel this sense of entitlement that not only are we the center of the universe but everyone around us should be catering to our every need the way our computer does. Facebook wants to know what's on our minds or how we're feeling and we get so used to that mentality that it seems inconceivable that everyone else doesn't care about us like social media does. We spend all this time staring at our belly buttons that we fail to notice that other people exist around us.

Which leads to . . .

3. We don't have any perspective.

It's easy to become consumed by Facebook drama. He said this, she didn't like my post, they didn't reply to my message, blah blah blah. This is why websites like White Whine exist. In other parts of the world, it's a big deal if you didn't get eaten by a lion today.

Or chased by a hippo. Those things are fucking terrifying.

In the grand scheme of our lives, none of the petty bullshit is going to matter, not even if some oblivious lady steals your sandwich at the deli counter.

So what am I saying? Is social media evil and we should all burn our computers? Absolutely not (and besides, computers are expensive and there's only so much a warranty will cover). In fact, I think social media has its merits. I think it's fantastic that I'm able to stay in touch with so many friends and members of my family and a lot of positivity spread through social medias.

That's . . . not quite what I meant.

What I'm saying that we need to be aware of how much we control we give social medias. We should use them without letting them consume us. There's nothing wrong with staying in touch or using the internet for fun but we need to remember how to unplug. We need to go outside or have a conversation or eat a meal without feeling the need to document every little moment. Instead of viewing our experiences through a camera lens, we need to view them with our eyes and learn how to be present and actually make memories instead of pictures.

Social medias won't wither away and die if we limit our exposure. If we leave our phones at home every once in a while, it's okay. They'll be there when we get back. And by then, maybe we'll have friends who have decided to help us unlock the next soul-sucking episode of Candy Crush Saga.

Think about it.

The 5 Worst Movie Theater Patrons

On the occasion that I venture out in public, I enjoy going to the movies.

Let me rephrase that: I usually enjoy going to the movies. Most of the time, I and all the other movie patrons are there to enjoy a film of our choosing. We select our seats, we munch on tasty popcorn with cancer-causing fake butter, and we watch the movie. We might laugh at the appropriate moment, shed a tear during an emotional scene, or gasp during a shocking or frightening moment. Generally, we behave like civilized adults co-existing in a public space.

And then there are the other people.

If you've ever gone to a movie theater, you know who these people are. They are the inconsiderate jackasses whose sole mission in life appears to be ruining other people's enjoyment while being simultaneously oblivious that they are, in fact, not in their own living room. There are many incidents of people ruining the moving going experience but I have condensed them into six of the most obnoxious types of movie theater patrons.

1. The Afraid to Be Alone Guy

I like to go to the movies during the day, usually at one of the first showings because the older I get, the less I like people and there seem to be fewer of them at the early showings. On more than one occasion, I've been the first to arrive at a movie and I have the whole theater to myself. Although I only require one seat (two if I'm with my husband), the sight of an empty theater makes me want to prance up and down the rows simply because I can.

Pretty much exactly like this.

Then, just before the feature presentation starts, a lone patron will walk into the theater. Obviously there's more than enough room for both of us, right?

No.

This guy insists on sitting either directly next to me or behind me. It's like he couldn't find a friend with whom to go to the movies and has an intense desire to make a new one. Either that, or he doesn't understand personal boundaries.

2. 20 Questions

Anyone who insists on talking during a movie is obnoxious (and I'll get to them in a minute) but a special breed of annoying comes in the form of that person in the theater who insists on asking 800 questions about everything happening on screen.

"Who is that guy?"
"Why is he doing that?"
"What did he say?"
"Where are they going?"

These people make me irrationally angry.

I'm not upset because they find something confusing. I'm upset because if they would shut their freaking mouths, their questions would, in nearly all cases, be answered by simply watching the movie. Which, I understand, might be a confusing concept for people who are at a theater. To watch a movie.

3. Constant Commentary

The larger, parent category for the 20 Questions guy is the person who insists on giving a play by play commentary on the entire movie. This type of jackass happened to my husband and me not too long ago when we went to go see This Is the End. We had the misfortune of sitting in front of a guy who, to put it simply, would not shut the fuck up.

It all started during the previews. After each preview, he loudly announced whether or not he wanted to see it to his girlfriend (who, as a side note, looked like she was sticky. I have no idea if she was, in fact, sticky, but she was the sort of person who just made you want to wash your hands). I figured that was annoying but maybe he'd stop when the movie started.

I was very, very wrong.

He continued to talk and give a play by play of the movie for the entire freaking time. The only relief we got from the commentary was when he got up to go to the bathroom every twenty minutes (kicking my seat as he went, by the way). One of his bathroom visits happened to coincide with when my husband went as well. Husband told me later that apparently the guy was a middle-aged dude who was coked out of his mind. He'd wanted to say something to him like, "Hey, maybe try shutting the hell up in the movie," but he thought the better of it for his safety (and really, good call, Husband). We probably should have just gotten the manager of the theater involved since we were so annoyed but when it comes down to it, I don't like to create problems for the staff. And with a tweaked out movie commentator, getting him kicked out might have actually caused more of a disturbance than his commentary was.

Plus I'm much braver behind my computer.

We managed to enjoy the rest of the movie despite the commentary. The ending of the movie was hilarious and we, along with everyone else, laughed at the hilarity on film. The kicker, of course, was that when the movie ended, the loud guy's sticky-looking girlfriend glared at us and said, "God, some people are so noisy and laugh too much in movies."

4. Date Night: Teen Edition

We've all seen these couples on Friday and Saturday nights at the movies. They're adorable. Awkward, bumbling, and nine times out of ten one of them will spill popcorn on the other. They're so sweet they'll give you diabetes if you watch them for too long.

This is basically them in gif form.

Then the movie starts and they are quickly divided into two categories. The first category includes the couples that sit there quietly and watch the movie while pretending to be unaware that they are holding hands. These couples are fine because they're too scared to say or do anything other than watch the movie.

Then there's the other category of teen couples. These are the ones who see the dimming of the theater lights as their cue to start a full fledged make out session. Complete with moaning.

If I can hear you over a Michael Bay movie then
(1) you're faking and (2) you need to take it out to the backseat of your date's mom's car.

Kids like that make me want to carry a spray bottle in my purse.

5. Babies at Midnight Showings

Let me be clear that I am not upset with the babies themselves. They are obviously not in control of the situation and if you're two months old and know nothing of the world, violent explosions in The Dark Knight are likely going to scare you and make you cry.

As awesome as he was, Heath Ledger may have made me pee my pants.
Just a little.

My issue is instead with the adults who bring these tiny people to midnight showings (the same applies to small children in inappropriate movies). Yes, I think that parents should be able to still go out and enjoy movies that don't involve cartoon characters. But I think those movies are better enjoyed with the children at home with a babysitter.

I know that parents can sometimes have a difficult time finding babysitters they trust, affording them, etc. I get that. But when I go to the midnight showing of a movie and see not one, not two, but THREE adults with a baby, I'm thinking that maybe one of them could have taken one for the team and stayed home instead of lugging around a poor infant who needs their rest to a very long, very loud movie.

Seriously, the Joker blows up a lot of shit.

So what to do about the annoying movie theater patrons? You could change seats, tell your friend to stop asking so many questions, get the manager to deal with a loud guest, tell the teens to keep it in their pants, and ignore the baby while silently hating all of the adults who are ignoring the crying baby.

Or you could always silently stew while eating your overpriced popcorn, try to watch the movie, and complain about it on the internet later. It's your call.

How About No?

I used to be terrible at saying "no." I'd like to say it's because I want to help everyone but I'm pretty sure that at my core, I was just a people pleaser who needed to learn to take care of myself first, regardless of what anyone else thinks of me.

Damn straight.

I was everyone's first call for pretty much everything: covering a shift at work, babysitting, moving, editing a paper, etc. That last one was what really got out of hand, especially in college. As an English major, everyone figured I knew how to string together a coherent sentence and they were usually right (depending on how much sleep I'd gotten the night before). A lot of friends asked me to edit their papers for them and at first, I didn't mind. Sure, I could look over a two page paper for a friend. Why not, right?

That quickly evolved into me being treated like my friends' free personal editing service. I had a few friends that stopped asking me if I'd even do it and started to just email me their paper with the deadline as the body of the message.

"And if you could spruce up my introduction while you're at it, that'd be great."

And it wasn't that I didn't like helping them out. After all, when I read some of their papers it caused me physical pain to not edit them and leaving them undone would have given me nightmares (I wish I were exaggerating but I'm not. Some of them had terrible grammar).

I'm pretty much like this all the time.

I eventually realized that I needed to learn the balance between saying yes and saying no. I wanted to help my friends but if I was putting aside my own papers and my own education for theirs, that wasn't really serving my best interests. I realize this might make me sound selfish but I reached a point where I couldn't say yes to every editing request I received. I feel like this is akin to being someone who is not functionally retarded when it comes to computers. As soon as one person finds out you know how to do more than turn it on, they ask you for IT advice. Sure, you're happy to help them out, but before you know it they're calling you every other day to ask questions like "what's an icon?" and "I clicked on a link that said 'boobs' and now my computer froze. What do I do?"

"Will my warranty cover this?"

So what is my point in all this--am I now a selfish prick that won't help out anyone because I'm busy looking out for numero uno? No (or at least I don't like to think so). I'm willing to help out a co-worker who needs their shift covered but not if it's my birthday.

"Guess I better get dressed for work."

Will I delete every editing request that comes my way? Of course not. I recently reviewed a friend's business proposal and I was happy to do it. But there's a difference between agreeing to edit her proposal and agreeing to edit someone's 600 page novel. I could probably do the novel but it would detract from me pursuing my own goals by taking up a lot of my time that I could be using towards promoting my book or working on new projects. As it is, I'm lucky if I update this blog once a month due to being so busy.

Netflix isn't going to watch itself.

I kind of feel like a jackass for essentially saying that I'm willing to help people out as long as there isn't something I'd rather be doing or as long as it doesn't take up too much of my time. But I figure that I need to take care of myself first because if I don't, I won't be able to help others out to the best of my abilities. I, like most people, am at my best when I have the time and am able to work without distractions instead of when I'm sleep deprived and miserable.

Coffee can only take me so far.

There's a lot of power in the word "no" and I've finally gotten to a point where I've embraced it. Perhaps I'm being selfish but I'm trying to take better care of myself so I can focus on what I want to achieve. Once I start saying yes to every request made of me it becomes a slippery slope but I have to ground myself and remember that I don't have to say yes to everything. People aren't going to hate me forever if I say no every once in a while.

Probably.

5 Most Annoying Responses to People Learning I'm a Writer

As a bartender, I end up stuck in a lot of small talk. Inevitably, since I live in a college town, customers will ask if I'm still in school and I'll tell them no, I've already graduated. They'll ask what I got my degree in and I'll tell them I got my Masters in creative writing. Could I just say English? Sure, but then I get the inevitable "Do you want to teach?" question.

Yeah, teaching isn't for me.

Instead, I honestly tell people my degree and I usually get one of five responses:

The 5 Most Annoying Responses to People Learning I'm a Writer

1. "You should write a book about me! My life is so crazy!"

When people tell me this, I'm reminded of how people think their dreams are interesting to people other than themselves and their therapists who are charging them an astronomical amount of money for every hour they prattle on about themselves. Oh, your dog turned into your mom and then you both square danced in a river of gravy while wearing dresses made out of toothpicks? How unusual and fascinating!

I feel like this is also applicable to people's lives. All of us experience our own dramas which, to us, are interesting because they involve and/or are centered around us. However, this doesn't mean that your life is necessarily interesting and book-worthy to the rest of the world. It's possible that you have, in fact, had an interesting and book-worthy life but the phrase I mentioned is mostly said by people in their early twenties whose greatest accomplishment is successfully completing multiple keg stands at a frat party.

Chapter 4: Making My Parents Proud

2. "I'm a writer, too! Well, I haven't really written anything yet but I have the BEST idea for a book!"

"It's like this, only with gravy and all the clothes are made out of toothpicks."

Neat. Shut up and write it already. Also, if you don't write then you're not a writer. That's like being a painter who doesn't paint or a runner that doesn't run but instead puts one of those "26.2" stickers on their car for when they complete a marathon "someday."

3. "You know, that's a really hard industry to get into. Have you thought this through?"

Yes, asshole, I have. I'm aware of how difficult it is but this is something I'm passionate about. As such, I've done my research and sometimes it gets very disheartening. Everyone, myself included, likes to fancy themselves to be the Next Great American Writer. It also gets very depressing because in order to get published, you often have to hear a lot of no's. Rejection letters pile up, you're told again and again that your work isn't what they're looking for, and the Scotch bottle slowly runs out.

"You like my writing, right? You think I'm talented, don't you?"

However, all those no's make the eventual yes that much more exciting. Of course, you could argue that chasing the yes is kind of like chasing the high from your first hit of heroin. 

The dragon is a three book deal from Random House.

4. "How long are you going to give yourself before you get realistic and try something else?"

Until I die, dude. Until I die. I can't imagine doing anything else and writing makes me happy, despite the slightly depressing realities of attempting to make it a financially viable career. I've often heard that you should pursue a career doing whatever you would gladly do for free and for me, that's writing. Even if my family and the friends I browbeat into reading my work are the only ones who read it, creating it gives me a sense of satisfaction that I simply haven't found while doing anything else. 

5. "If it doesn't work out, you could always teach!"

See above. Teaching is not for me. I have a lot of respect for teachers but I frankly don't have the patience for it. Those that do are to be lauded and, in my opinion, paid a hell of a lot more than they are, but alas, I am not one of them.

So if these are the most annoying things you can say to a writer, what are you supposed to say? Pretty much anything but these things. If you want to talk about it, ask the writer what they're working on, ask them what they like to write, or ask them if they've published anything you might have seen. If you find out they're a writer and you either think it's stupid or you honestly just don't give a shit, start talking about the weather. Trust me, "boy, it sure is hot today!" is preferable to anything I've listed here.

"When do you think we'll get some rain?"
"Also, do you really think it's financially responsible to pursue a career in a dying medium?"

Staying Motivated vs. Settling

Finding time to write can be a real bitch sometimes. I work full-time (and we're getting into the busy season at my job), I have a husband whom I like to spend time with, friends whom I'd like to see, family who would like me to check in so they know I'm not dead, and dogs that require playtime and cuddles.

"Please love me."

Somewhere in everything I have to do, I also have to try and find time to write. It's not easy--there are only so many hours in the day and my body eventually demands food and sleep (ugh, needy body). I've dozed off at my computer more times than I can count because I try and push myself to write for just a little longer and then I wake up to find I have typed seventeen pages of "ggggggggggggggggg."

Sometimes I think it'd be much easier if I gave up writing and pursued something else, something with a much easier path. Because writing is hard. You sit down, pour your heart and soul into your work, and then hope someone likes it enough to publish it. Then, if it gets published, you have to hope that enough people like the work you've bled onto the page to buy it so that you can MAYBE make some money off of it. Because as long as you're not making money (or at least not making much), you probably need to supplement with some other income which pulls your time and energy away from writing which can leave you feeling burnt out and exhausted with limited motivation to write.

This is me about 90% of the time.

While I'm obviously talking about writing because that's what I want to do with my life, I feel like this is applicable to anyone with a passion project. Artists, photographers, filmmakers, people with dreams of owning their own businesses--I feel like so many of us are in the same boat. We know what we want to do but we get caught up in the minutiae of day-to-day obligations. And that's not to downplay our everyday obligations--I know I like having somewhere to live and food in our fridge (even if I forget to eat it).

Oh, right . . . food.

So what do we do? I'm certainly not at all suggesting that we give up on what we love just because it's hard. But we need to find ways to keep ourselves motivated and we need to realize that if we want this, then it needs to be a priority. My writing mentor once told me that he writes at least one sentence of fiction every day. Oftentimes he writes more but he pushes himself to write at least one sentence because it helps him keep himself motivated and it keeps him going. I think this is a brilliant plan because they day you stop working towards what you want is the day you give up and end up feeling stuck. And that's no way to live because before you'll know it, years will have gone by and you'll be telling people, "Oh, I wanted to do that once but it was too hard so I settled for less than I'm worth."

If you want something for yourself, it's worth fighting for. Is it hard? Of course. Are you guaranteed success? Of course not. But at least you're putting yourself out there which is more than a lot of people can say.

Plagiarizing Your Own Life

A piece of advice that seems to appear rather frequently for writers is to draw from their experience. I think this is great advice because if you pull from what you know, your writing will be more authentic and subsequently more intriguing to your audience. This isn't to say that if you've never been a fighter pilot you can't writer about fighter pilots, but it does require you to do a lot of research so that you have something to say about fighter pilots other than that you once watched Top Gun with your college roommate.

HIIIIIGHWAAAAY TO THE
DANGER ZONE!!!

But when you draw from your experiences, at what point do you go from using what you know to plagiarizing your own life? When I was in grad school, I had multiple workshops with a guy who shared stories that drew from his life. "Drew from his life" is probably too light of phrasing to express what it is I'm conveying here. According to his family, he had a tendency to write down exactly what happened and call it fiction after changing the names.

"It couldn't possibly be you, Mom! Look, her name is 'Shmom.'
Totally different."

How much is too much when it comes to drawing from your life? Situations similar to what you've experienced? Characters based on people you know? Exact word-for-word conversations?

The last one might sound a little ridiculous. "What do you mean exact conversations? No one remembers those!" Trust me, this is a thing and if you've read some of my previous articles, I've mentioned this before. I've known people who, during a normal social interaction, have stopped the conversation to ask either myself or others to repeat what we just said as they scribbled it down in their moleskine notebooks and said, "That's a great line! I'm gonna use that in a story later!"

But really, do we even own the rights to what we say in casual conversation? My previous article, "Eavesdropping on Strangers for Fun and Profit" would suggest we don't. But is it even fiction anymore if you take a real situation and slap some fake names on it?

I don't really have an answer. If you take a true story and change some details, I suppose that could fall into the realm of fiction. It could also fall into the realm of "creative nonfiction", such as was the case with James Frey's A Million Little Pieces. A lot of people (namely Oprah) got upset that he was peddling a "made-up story" as nonfiction but creative nonfiction bridges that gap which is where a lot of these true fiction stories should probably rest.

I Googled "angry Oprah" and came up with this picture and one of Rihanna crying.
I'm not totally sure where to go from here but I do know that
I am now afraid for that sad-eyed puppy and Rihanna.

How often do we tell stories to people but the small details change over time due to forgetfulness or blank spaces where our minds or other people fill in the gaps? Does that make us all embarrassing liars that should publicly apologize to Oprah and housewives across America? Probably not. But at the same time, that also seems like a much lesser offense than writing down every word people say and calling it original fiction.

I've decided to declare, once and for all, what is the acceptable way to plagiarize your life. To all the writers out there, you're welcome.

Advice ain't free.
I accept cash and all major credit cards except Discover because fuck you, that's why.

OKAY: Drawing from your experiences and creatively re-telling a story from your life.
NOT OKAY: Being that jackass at a party who is too busy copying down the words you hear to have a real conversation.

As writers, we're told to write constantly and we should. But we also need to find that balance and to know when to put down the pen and do something other than spend time with your own thoughts. Going out and experiencing things will ultimately make you a better writer and even if you don't get a good story out of it, it'll make you a more interesting person to be around so you can be this guy:

Not this guy:

The 4 Stereotypes at Every Writers' Group

It's fairly obvious I'm a writer, mostly because I tell everyone and their dog that I write.

Dogs really aren't my target audience.

Subsequently, I end up meeting other writers and occasionally I am invited to join writers' groups. I've attended a few and have a confession to make:

I hate writers' groups.

I really do. At their best, I think these groups are circle jerks in which writers get off on how fabulous and talented they are. At their worst, these groups are toxic pits of jealousy in which people tear down others' work in a petty attempt at making themselves feel better about their own work.

To me, writers' groups are about as depressing and toxic as the Bog of Eternal Stench from Labyrinth.

In my experience with writers' groups, I've found some patterns in the participants. Specifically, I've identified four types of people that seem to be present at every one.

1. The Albatross: This person has a magnum opus they have been limping along with for several years. They have gone through about 40 or 50 revisions of their work but when they open it up to the group, they are unwilling to hear anything else other than how brilliant this is. They are also completely unable to understand why Random House and the New York Times aren't beating down their door in desperation for their work.

Identifying Items: A seemingly undeserved sense of self-importance and a 400 page novel manuscript clutched tightly in their hands and NO YOU CAN'T TOUCH IT!

2. The Borrower: They have difficulty producing their own ideas but after submitting your work to the group, this person will come back the following week with something eerily similar to yours.
Identifying Items: A smartphone with the recording device continually turned on and a moleskine notebook in which they write down everything everyone says, ensuring they suck the fun out of every social interaction.

3. The Idea Man: This person is always full of ideas but has yet to bringing in anything for the group to read. Next thing they will, they promise. For realsies this time. They seem to be more interested in hanging out and calling themselves a writer than actually doing any work.
Identifying Items: Cigars (unlit--they're just for looks), scotch, and a distinct absence of pens and paper.

4. The Talent: This person is actually a very talented writer and hoping for some constructive feedback. Depending on the group, they will either benefit hugely or be squashed by The Albatross's toxic jealousy.

Identifying Items: Pens, paper, and new content for the group to review.

If you're a writer and you're unsure of whether or not you've met these stereotypes, please read on to find a transcript of a sample meeting of a writers' group.

The Writers' Group

Borrower: Alright everyone, now that we're all settled and we all have some snacks, I think we're ready to get started.

Albatross: Since I have you all here, I'd like to go over chapter 37 with all of you again. *flips open his manuscript*

Idea Man: Didn't we go over that chapter last week?

Albatross: I moved around a comma, it changes the whole tone of the section.

Talent: *reading* I don't know, it seems pretty much the same as it did last week.

Borrower: Yeah, I wouldn't have known anything was different if you hadn't said anything.

Albatross: How can you not see it's totally different?!

Idea Man: Sorry, it just seems the same is all.

Albatross: I've been working on this for six years, you don't understand how much work has gone into this.

Talent: We're not saying it's not good, we just don't see a big difference with one comma.

Albatross: *sighs* Whatever.

Borrower: I actually have something new I'd like everyone to check out so I can get some feedback. *passes out a short story*

Idea Man: Great, what's it about?

Borrower: It's about a young woman in Tennessee dealing with the aftermath of the suicide of her drug-addicted father.

Talent: Um . . . I'm sorry, I hate to say this but your story idea sounds kind of similar to the one I submitted last week.

Borrower: Which story was that?

Talent: The one about the young man in California dealing with the aftermath of the suicide of his drug-addicted mother.

Borrower: Your story is about sons and mothers and mine is about daughters and fathers. Plus yours takes place in California whereas mine is in Tennessee. It's totally different.

Talent: Okay, um . . . hey, you haven't said much, do you have anything for us to read.

Idea Man: *turns, mouth full of snacks* What?

"Were you talking to me?"

Albatross: Do you have anything for us?

Idea Man: Um . . . it's been a really busy week for me so I don't have anything concrete. I've got some great ideas but I haven't exactly . . . written them down yet. Next week though, I promise.

Albatross: *sighs* Fine . . . what about you?

Talent: I actually have the first couple chapters of a novel I've been working on that I'd like to give you and hear what you think.

Borrower: Really? *clicks pen open*

"Repeat that again, but slower this time."

Albatross: *scanning the first few pages* Hmm . . . well, this is obviously a very first draft. I mean, you've only started on this. Books require years of work before they're even halfway decent.

Idea Man: I like it. And who says you need to work on something for years before it's good? Some writers might not need years of revisions.

Albatross: Oh what do you know, your main contribution to the group has been drinking Scotch and stuffing your face.

Talent: It's true, it does need work. I'd just like to hear if you all think I'm heading in the right direction.

Albatross: *sigh* Well, I guess we could read it over during this next week and get back to you. It's multiple chapters which is really a lot to ask of the group.

Idea Man: *snickers*

Albatross: Something funny?

Borrower: Oh look at the time, I think it's best we call it quits for today. Hey, these chapters are for us to keep, right?