5 Most Annoying Responses to People Learning I'm a Writer

As a bartender, I end up stuck in a lot of small talk. Inevitably, since I live in a college town, customers will ask if I'm still in school and I'll tell them no, I've already graduated. They'll ask what I got my degree in and I'll tell them I got my Masters in creative writing. Could I just say English? Sure, but then I get the inevitable "Do you want to teach?" question.

Yeah, teaching isn't for me.

Instead, I honestly tell people my degree and I usually get one of five responses:

The 5 Most Annoying Responses to People Learning I'm a Writer

1. "You should write a book about me! My life is so crazy!"

When people tell me this, I'm reminded of how people think their dreams are interesting to people other than themselves and their therapists who are charging them an astronomical amount of money for every hour they prattle on about themselves. Oh, your dog turned into your mom and then you both square danced in a river of gravy while wearing dresses made out of toothpicks? How unusual and fascinating!

I feel like this is also applicable to people's lives. All of us experience our own dramas which, to us, are interesting because they involve and/or are centered around us. However, this doesn't mean that your life is necessarily interesting and book-worthy to the rest of the world. It's possible that you have, in fact, had an interesting and book-worthy life but the phrase I mentioned is mostly said by people in their early twenties whose greatest accomplishment is successfully completing multiple keg stands at a frat party.

Chapter 4: Making My Parents Proud

2. "I'm a writer, too! Well, I haven't really written anything yet but I have the BEST idea for a book!"

"It's like this, only with gravy and all the clothes are made out of toothpicks."

Neat. Shut up and write it already. Also, if you don't write then you're not a writer. That's like being a painter who doesn't paint or a runner that doesn't run but instead puts one of those "26.2" stickers on their car for when they complete a marathon "someday."

3. "You know, that's a really hard industry to get into. Have you thought this through?"

Yes, asshole, I have. I'm aware of how difficult it is but this is something I'm passionate about. As such, I've done my research and sometimes it gets very disheartening. Everyone, myself included, likes to fancy themselves to be the Next Great American Writer. It also gets very depressing because in order to get published, you often have to hear a lot of no's. Rejection letters pile up, you're told again and again that your work isn't what they're looking for, and the Scotch bottle slowly runs out.

"You like my writing, right? You think I'm talented, don't you?"

However, all those no's make the eventual yes that much more exciting. Of course, you could argue that chasing the yes is kind of like chasing the high from your first hit of heroin. 

The dragon is a three book deal from Random House.

4. "How long are you going to give yourself before you get realistic and try something else?"

Until I die, dude. Until I die. I can't imagine doing anything else and writing makes me happy, despite the slightly depressing realities of attempting to make it a financially viable career. I've often heard that you should pursue a career doing whatever you would gladly do for free and for me, that's writing. Even if my family and the friends I browbeat into reading my work are the only ones who read it, creating it gives me a sense of satisfaction that I simply haven't found while doing anything else. 

5. "If it doesn't work out, you could always teach!"

See above. Teaching is not for me. I have a lot of respect for teachers but I frankly don't have the patience for it. Those that do are to be lauded and, in my opinion, paid a hell of a lot more than they are, but alas, I am not one of them.

So if these are the most annoying things you can say to a writer, what are you supposed to say? Pretty much anything but these things. If you want to talk about it, ask the writer what they're working on, ask them what they like to write, or ask them if they've published anything you might have seen. If you find out they're a writer and you either think it's stupid or you honestly just don't give a shit, start talking about the weather. Trust me, "boy, it sure is hot today!" is preferable to anything I've listed here.

"When do you think we'll get some rain?"
"Also, do you really think it's financially responsible to pursue a career in a dying medium?"

Staying Motivated vs. Settling

Finding time to write can be a real bitch sometimes. I work full-time (and we're getting into the busy season at my job), I have a husband whom I like to spend time with, friends whom I'd like to see, family who would like me to check in so they know I'm not dead, and dogs that require playtime and cuddles.

"Please love me."

Somewhere in everything I have to do, I also have to try and find time to write. It's not easy--there are only so many hours in the day and my body eventually demands food and sleep (ugh, needy body). I've dozed off at my computer more times than I can count because I try and push myself to write for just a little longer and then I wake up to find I have typed seventeen pages of "ggggggggggggggggg."

Sometimes I think it'd be much easier if I gave up writing and pursued something else, something with a much easier path. Because writing is hard. You sit down, pour your heart and soul into your work, and then hope someone likes it enough to publish it. Then, if it gets published, you have to hope that enough people like the work you've bled onto the page to buy it so that you can MAYBE make some money off of it. Because as long as you're not making money (or at least not making much), you probably need to supplement with some other income which pulls your time and energy away from writing which can leave you feeling burnt out and exhausted with limited motivation to write.

This is me about 90% of the time.

While I'm obviously talking about writing because that's what I want to do with my life, I feel like this is applicable to anyone with a passion project. Artists, photographers, filmmakers, people with dreams of owning their own businesses--I feel like so many of us are in the same boat. We know what we want to do but we get caught up in the minutiae of day-to-day obligations. And that's not to downplay our everyday obligations--I know I like having somewhere to live and food in our fridge (even if I forget to eat it).

Oh, right . . . food.

So what do we do? I'm certainly not at all suggesting that we give up on what we love just because it's hard. But we need to find ways to keep ourselves motivated and we need to realize that if we want this, then it needs to be a priority. My writing mentor once told me that he writes at least one sentence of fiction every day. Oftentimes he writes more but he pushes himself to write at least one sentence because it helps him keep himself motivated and it keeps him going. I think this is a brilliant plan because they day you stop working towards what you want is the day you give up and end up feeling stuck. And that's no way to live because before you'll know it, years will have gone by and you'll be telling people, "Oh, I wanted to do that once but it was too hard so I settled for less than I'm worth."

If you want something for yourself, it's worth fighting for. Is it hard? Of course. Are you guaranteed success? Of course not. But at least you're putting yourself out there which is more than a lot of people can say.

Plagiarizing Your Own Life

A piece of advice that seems to appear rather frequently for writers is to draw from their experience. I think this is great advice because if you pull from what you know, your writing will be more authentic and subsequently more intriguing to your audience. This isn't to say that if you've never been a fighter pilot you can't writer about fighter pilots, but it does require you to do a lot of research so that you have something to say about fighter pilots other than that you once watched Top Gun with your college roommate.

HIIIIIGHWAAAAY TO THE
DANGER ZONE!!!

But when you draw from your experiences, at what point do you go from using what you know to plagiarizing your own life? When I was in grad school, I had multiple workshops with a guy who shared stories that drew from his life. "Drew from his life" is probably too light of phrasing to express what it is I'm conveying here. According to his family, he had a tendency to write down exactly what happened and call it fiction after changing the names.

"It couldn't possibly be you, Mom! Look, her name is 'Shmom.'
Totally different."

How much is too much when it comes to drawing from your life? Situations similar to what you've experienced? Characters based on people you know? Exact word-for-word conversations?

The last one might sound a little ridiculous. "What do you mean exact conversations? No one remembers those!" Trust me, this is a thing and if you've read some of my previous articles, I've mentioned this before. I've known people who, during a normal social interaction, have stopped the conversation to ask either myself or others to repeat what we just said as they scribbled it down in their moleskine notebooks and said, "That's a great line! I'm gonna use that in a story later!"

But really, do we even own the rights to what we say in casual conversation? My previous article, "Eavesdropping on Strangers for Fun and Profit" would suggest we don't. But is it even fiction anymore if you take a real situation and slap some fake names on it?

I don't really have an answer. If you take a true story and change some details, I suppose that could fall into the realm of fiction. It could also fall into the realm of "creative nonfiction", such as was the case with James Frey's A Million Little Pieces. A lot of people (namely Oprah) got upset that he was peddling a "made-up story" as nonfiction but creative nonfiction bridges that gap which is where a lot of these true fiction stories should probably rest.

I Googled "angry Oprah" and came up with this picture and one of Rihanna crying.
I'm not totally sure where to go from here but I do know that
I am now afraid for that sad-eyed puppy and Rihanna.

How often do we tell stories to people but the small details change over time due to forgetfulness or blank spaces where our minds or other people fill in the gaps? Does that make us all embarrassing liars that should publicly apologize to Oprah and housewives across America? Probably not. But at the same time, that also seems like a much lesser offense than writing down every word people say and calling it original fiction.

I've decided to declare, once and for all, what is the acceptable way to plagiarize your life. To all the writers out there, you're welcome.

Advice ain't free.
I accept cash and all major credit cards except Discover because fuck you, that's why.

OKAY: Drawing from your experiences and creatively re-telling a story from your life.
NOT OKAY: Being that jackass at a party who is too busy copying down the words you hear to have a real conversation.

As writers, we're told to write constantly and we should. But we also need to find that balance and to know when to put down the pen and do something other than spend time with your own thoughts. Going out and experiencing things will ultimately make you a better writer and even if you don't get a good story out of it, it'll make you a more interesting person to be around so you can be this guy:

Not this guy:

The 4 Stereotypes at Every Writers' Group

It's fairly obvious I'm a writer, mostly because I tell everyone and their dog that I write.

Dogs really aren't my target audience.

Subsequently, I end up meeting other writers and occasionally I am invited to join writers' groups. I've attended a few and have a confession to make:

I hate writers' groups.

I really do. At their best, I think these groups are circle jerks in which writers get off on how fabulous and talented they are. At their worst, these groups are toxic pits of jealousy in which people tear down others' work in a petty attempt at making themselves feel better about their own work.

To me, writers' groups are about as depressing and toxic as the Bog of Eternal Stench from Labyrinth.

In my experience with writers' groups, I've found some patterns in the participants. Specifically, I've identified four types of people that seem to be present at every one.

1. The Albatross: This person has a magnum opus they have been limping along with for several years. They have gone through about 40 or 50 revisions of their work but when they open it up to the group, they are unwilling to hear anything else other than how brilliant this is. They are also completely unable to understand why Random House and the New York Times aren't beating down their door in desperation for their work.

Identifying Items: A seemingly undeserved sense of self-importance and a 400 page novel manuscript clutched tightly in their hands and NO YOU CAN'T TOUCH IT!

2. The Borrower: They have difficulty producing their own ideas but after submitting your work to the group, this person will come back the following week with something eerily similar to yours.
Identifying Items: A smartphone with the recording device continually turned on and a moleskine notebook in which they write down everything everyone says, ensuring they suck the fun out of every social interaction.

3. The Idea Man: This person is always full of ideas but has yet to bringing in anything for the group to read. Next thing they will, they promise. For realsies this time. They seem to be more interested in hanging out and calling themselves a writer than actually doing any work.
Identifying Items: Cigars (unlit--they're just for looks), scotch, and a distinct absence of pens and paper.

4. The Talent: This person is actually a very talented writer and hoping for some constructive feedback. Depending on the group, they will either benefit hugely or be squashed by The Albatross's toxic jealousy.

Identifying Items: Pens, paper, and new content for the group to review.

If you're a writer and you're unsure of whether or not you've met these stereotypes, please read on to find a transcript of a sample meeting of a writers' group.

The Writers' Group

Borrower: Alright everyone, now that we're all settled and we all have some snacks, I think we're ready to get started.

Albatross: Since I have you all here, I'd like to go over chapter 37 with all of you again. *flips open his manuscript*

Idea Man: Didn't we go over that chapter last week?

Albatross: I moved around a comma, it changes the whole tone of the section.

Talent: *reading* I don't know, it seems pretty much the same as it did last week.

Borrower: Yeah, I wouldn't have known anything was different if you hadn't said anything.

Albatross: How can you not see it's totally different?!

Idea Man: Sorry, it just seems the same is all.

Albatross: I've been working on this for six years, you don't understand how much work has gone into this.

Talent: We're not saying it's not good, we just don't see a big difference with one comma.

Albatross: *sighs* Whatever.

Borrower: I actually have something new I'd like everyone to check out so I can get some feedback. *passes out a short story*

Idea Man: Great, what's it about?

Borrower: It's about a young woman in Tennessee dealing with the aftermath of the suicide of her drug-addicted father.

Talent: Um . . . I'm sorry, I hate to say this but your story idea sounds kind of similar to the one I submitted last week.

Borrower: Which story was that?

Talent: The one about the young man in California dealing with the aftermath of the suicide of his drug-addicted mother.

Borrower: Your story is about sons and mothers and mine is about daughters and fathers. Plus yours takes place in California whereas mine is in Tennessee. It's totally different.

Talent: Okay, um . . . hey, you haven't said much, do you have anything for us to read.

Idea Man: *turns, mouth full of snacks* What?

"Were you talking to me?"

Albatross: Do you have anything for us?

Idea Man: Um . . . it's been a really busy week for me so I don't have anything concrete. I've got some great ideas but I haven't exactly . . . written them down yet. Next week though, I promise.

Albatross: *sighs* Fine . . . what about you?

Talent: I actually have the first couple chapters of a novel I've been working on that I'd like to give you and hear what you think.

Borrower: Really? *clicks pen open*

"Repeat that again, but slower this time."

Albatross: *scanning the first few pages* Hmm . . . well, this is obviously a very first draft. I mean, you've only started on this. Books require years of work before they're even halfway decent.

Idea Man: I like it. And who says you need to work on something for years before it's good? Some writers might not need years of revisions.

Albatross: Oh what do you know, your main contribution to the group has been drinking Scotch and stuffing your face.

Talent: It's true, it does need work. I'd just like to hear if you all think I'm heading in the right direction.

Albatross: *sigh* Well, I guess we could read it over during this next week and get back to you. It's multiple chapters which is really a lot to ask of the group.

Idea Man: *snickers*

Albatross: Something funny?

Borrower: Oh look at the time, I think it's best we call it quits for today. Hey, these chapters are for us to keep, right?

What Your Favorite Author Says About You

Writers are often begin as dedicated readers. This is the nice way of saying we were those weird, pasty kids who stayed inside all day with a book while everyone else made friends and went outside.

I searched for "chubby kid reading a book" and Google apparently translated that into Macaulay Culkin's mug shot.
So yeah. There you go.

As you read, you start to collect a list of your favorite writers and, conscious or not, these are the writers that will influence your writing style. Even more than that, these authors can change your life. So, I have compiled an incomplete list of popular authors and what they say about you both as a writer and as a person.

Hunter S. Thompson

As a Writer: You will spend your life trying to recreate Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas but alas—you are not Thompson. You lack the talent and the drug tolerance to even come close.

Pictured: Not you. Never you.

As a Person: You probably have a stupid tattoo. I’m looking at you, hipsters.

You know who you are and what you’ve done.

J.K. Rowling

As a Writer: You’re not afraid to be imaginative and, like Rowling, strive for complete storytelling without loose ends.

Also, wizards.

As a Person: You somewhat ignored Casual Vacancy and are still hoping Rowling is going to add books to the Potter-verse (Dumbledore’s life story, the Harry Potter books rewritten from Snape’s perspective, etc.).

Harper Lee

As a Writer: You don’t really “write” in any physical sense but “guys, listen, I’ve got this great idea for a book. It’s based on my life.”

No you're not.

As a Person: You read To Kill a Mockingbird in ninth grade and haven’t read another book since.

Ernest Hemingway

As a Writer: You are a minimalist and try to make the most of as few words as possible. Your male protagonists often enjoy spending time alone in the woods.

As a Person: You once tried to smoke an imitation Cuban cigar but accidentally inhaled which made you cough so hard you threw up. When asked, however, you often describe your free time as filled with cigars and hard liquor.

"You are all inferior."

Jane Austen

As a Writer: Your writing would probably best be characterized as romance or chick lit in which every male love interest is, in some way, a version of Mr. Darcy.

As a Person: You love the BBC and hope to someday find your own Mr. Darcy. Sure, there are other books and other love interests but who gives a crap, they’re not Mr. Darcy.

You also have lots of cats.

One of the Bronte Sisters

As a Writer: You yearn to emulate the feel of the English language from the Victorian era: women succumbing to the vapors, the mists on the moor at dawn, etc. Unfortunately, no one really talks like that anymore and it sounds like you’re trying too hard. Stop it.

As a Person: Mr. Rochester is your ultimate literary crush and you swear your boyfriend is so romantic and just like him! To the rest of us, he’s a douche who won’t bend the brim of his hat and once locked his ex in the closet to keep her from setting his mom’s house on fire.

To be fair, she was kind of a crazy ho.
Also, never ever ever Google "little girl house fire."
You're welcome.

Kurt Vonnegut

As a Writer: You spend more time cultivating your mustache than actually writing.

Your primary writing exercise involves trying to turn your name into a self-portrait.

As a Person: You probably have one of three things tattooed on you: “everything was beautiful and nothing hurt,” “so it goes,” or an asshole.

Seriously, this is a thing.

James Michener

As a Writer: You have an attention to detail that rivals Howard Hughes’s OCD.

As a Person: You’re that guy at the party who tells forty-five minute stories. They’re interesting enough, but dude, learn to chitchat and stop blocking the veggie platter.

Jacqueline Susann

As a Writer: You have a great talent for character-driven stories and your gift has you poised to be the Next Great American Writer. You are Brilliant with a capital B.

Oh hey, look what's available from Barnes & Noble . . .
Hintety hint hint.

As a Person: You are the author of this column, Lana Del Ray, or over fifty-years old.

Lee Child

As a Writer: You have a “burn and turn” approach to writing, which is to say you pump out as many books as possible that all have the same storyline. However, this will probably work out for you financially. I mean, look at John Grisham and James Patterson.

As a Person: You’re my dad. And you hate Tom Cruise.

If I didn’t include your favorite author on this round, don’t worry. I’ll get you next time.

This article was previously published by Eat Your Serial.

The Importance of Being Lucky

As I’ve mentioned in previous columns, I pay my rent by working as a bartender. The two biggest holidays for a bartender are of course New Year’s Eve and the upcoming St. Patrick’s Day. The latter is often filled with an oversaturation of the color green, drunken patrons screaming for another Guinness, and buttons and hats pleading “Kiss me, I’m Irish!” (which, by the way, always amuses me that everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. I’m often reminded of college applicants claiming to be 1/64 Native American to get scholarship money).

"I'm also black. And a Pacific Islander. And Jewish. And Muslim. And a refugee.
Please give me money for college."

What has been interesting me lately, however, is the luck of the Irish. More specifically, the concept of luck itself. In one of my favorite films, Match Point, the main character, Chris, has a belief in the power of luck. During the opening narration, Chris says, “The man who said he’d rather be lucky than good knew a lot about life.” Then later, during a dinner conversation, Chris says that he thinks everyone is afraid to admit what a big part luck plays. This isn’t to discredit hard work, but rather that without luck, hard work will only get you so far.

This got me thinking about writing. The life of a writer is highly glamorized and I think in general, people tend to focus on the perks. You can create your own schedule, you have the freedom to work from anywhere, you can grow a magnificent beard.

Fuck yeah, Hemingway. Fuck yeah.

But getting to that point, getting to the perks (beard included, I presume), can be one hell of an upward climb. The rejection letters get overwhelming, the pay is either terrible or nonexistent, and each good idea feels like it could be your last.

It's like Matthew Inman from The Oatmeal is in my head.

Then, presuming you write something you don’t completely loathe, you need to submit it  for publication. As much as I with Random House would knock on my door to ask for my manuscript, it doesn’t quite work out like that unless you’re a celebrity.

Yeah. This is a thing.

So you send out query letters, manuscripts, nearly everything short of your first born as you basically beg someone to love your blood, sweat, and tears enough to publish it. But even with all that hard work and dedication, you still have to hope for that right amount of luck that your work will fall on the right person’s desk at the right time. The first time I had a story published, it was with a Buddhist literary magazine, Sugar Mule, that I found quite randomly through a writer’s website. I picked it with a dozen numbers and flooded them all with my story. One by one, each of my submissions came back with the polite “thanks but no thanks” rejection form letter to the point where I’d become so accustomed to seeing the word “no” that when the editor at Sugar Mule said yes, it felt surreal. It just so happened that the editor, Mark Weber, happened to enjoy darker fiction and my story was just the right kind of messed up that he was looking for. But had I not submitted by chance to that specific editor at that specific magazine at that specific time, I might have received yet another rejection letter.

Sorry, you suck.

            Another example pertains to a writing collaboration I’m currently working on. I happened to meet my writing partner while I was cocktailing at my job last summer. It was sort of random how I ended up at my current job in the first place and then on this particular night, two cocktail waitresses were scheduled (which almost never happens) and I ended up chatting with a customer who was only in town for one night. We got to talking about writing which led to him giving me his card. I followed up and he invited me on to what could result in being a fairly significant project for my writing career. So many elements had to fall into place to make that particular connection happen and had one thing been different, that connection and subsequent collaboration wouldn’t have happened.

One could argue that these markers in my writing career were fated to happen, if you believe in that sort of thing. I’m not trying to discredit what anyone believes but I think the overarching theme of it all is luck and fate is just the name we give luck because fate sounds more final, more predetermined and we don’t like the idea that our lives are victim to so much chance.

The Chance Monster. Rawr!

If you’ve hung out through all of my ramblings in this column, you’re probably wondering what on earth my point is. Should we all just give up trying because our lives are ruled by luck? Of course not. Hard work is essential to getting where you want to be and what you want out of life. However, I don’t think we should discredit the role that luck plays in success. Who would Lana Turner have been had she not worked at Schwab’s? Would we even know who Harrison Ford is were it not for his working as a carpenter for George Lucas?

Hard work is important but opening ourselves up to opportunities, especially as writers, as crucial. My husband often says I’m lucky which may be true but I think a big factor in my luck is that I take advantage of as many opportunities as I can. As a result, I’ve traveled through Europe multiple times, I have my Master’s degree, and, most of all, I’ve been published. By strangers who thought my work was worth publishing. I like to think I’m talented (because really, what’s the point in trying if I don’t believe in my own work) but I put myself out there and hope for a little luck.

I think that ultimately, I’m not sure if I agree with Match Point’s Chris in his assessment of how it’s better to be lucky than good. I’d rather be both but we certainly can’t be solely one or the other. You can be good and unnoticed or you can be lucky and untalented but to be both good AND lucky–that’s what we’re all looking for. But better than that, I think we, the we struggling to break into creative industries, need to keep putting ourselves out there. The more we expose ourselves to, the more opportunities we create to allow luck to grab us.

Or vice versa. Whatever's easier.

And hey, if nothing else, it might turn out to be a great story.

This article was previously published by Eat Your Serial.

Why I Suck at New Year's Resolutions and Smoothie Cleanses

Like many people, I like to look at the start of a new year as a chance to better myself. I make grandiose plans to get healthy (I will never eat sugar again!) and exercise (I will run 42 miles every day!)

But after about ten minutes, reality sets in and I have to face facts. I would rather hit the snooze button on my alarm clock for an hour than pull my lazy ass out of bed and go jogging. I mean, if my alarm clock turned into a bear then I’d probably start running.

Especially if I owed the bear money. I'm not a great pool player.

So exercise is out what about eating healthier foods? Surely that can’t be too hard. I already, for the most part, avoid red meat and dairy in my everyday diet. So, I decided to try a three day green smoothie cleanse. I like to start my day with a smoothie so I figured it would be easy to push through a few days and I’d emerge feeling leaner, healthier, and like one of those superhero vegans from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.

"Chicken's not vegan?"

I made it about eleven hours into the three day cleanse before quitting. I decided to bail on the cleanse due to a friend pointing out that hunger was making me a colossal pain in the ass and then Husband made the point that I was doing the cleanse to make myself happy and I was miserable, thereby defeating the purpose.

Even though I think both Husband and our friend were right, I still felt like a loser for failing at something as benign as a smoothie cleanse. But then it got me thinking about New Year’s resolutions; we all, or those of us that choose to partake, set goals for ourselves to make ourselves better, stronger, faster, happier. We’re going to quit doing this, start doing that, travel to such and such a place, earn/save x amount of money, etc.

The goal of these resolutions is based in the good intentions of bettering our selves and our lives. However, I think a lot of the time our goals are rooted in the arrival fallacy, which, according to Tal Ben-Shahar, is the belief that you will be happy once you reach a certain destination.

“I’ll be happy when I lose ten pounds.”

“I’ll be happy when I earn that promotion.”

“I’ll be happy when we move.”

“I’ll be happy when I get my next book published.”

“I’ll be happy when everyone finally freaking realizes I’m the Next Great American Writer and buys enough copies of my book to make them forget about 50 Shades of Grey.”

“I’ll be happy when I cleanse my body of gross toxins through a three day smoothie cleanse.”

Sound familiar? Granted, the last few were a bit specific, but you get the idea. We spend so much time fixating on the future that we allow ourselves to be unhappy now because we’re saving up all of our happiness points for the future.

"It's okay that I'm starving and cranky now, it'll all be worth it when I'm finished with this smoothie cleanse and I look SO GOOD."

Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, says that the fallacy aspect of the arrival fallacy is that arriving rarely makes you as happy as you expect. “Why? Because usually by the time you’ve arrived at your destination, you’re expecting to reach it, so it has already been incorporated into your happiness. You quickly become adjusted to the new state of affairs. And of course, arriving at one goal usually reveals a new goal. There’s another hill to climb.”

So where does this leave us? The start of a new year is a natural point to make a fresh start in various areas of our lives. Should we stop trying to improve our lives just because we might fall victim to the arrival fallacy? Of course not. Instead, I think we need to focus on enjoying the journey. Enjoying the present, however, feels like such a trite thing to say. How often are we inundated with advice to “live in the now,” “enjoy the moment,” and “realize that the present is called such because it’s a gift” or whatever else shows up in every volume of Chicken Soup for the Stupid?

Not the kind of present I was thinking of, but sure.
Why not?

I think what my point boils down to is that I think we need to stop being so hard on ourselves. Am I just trying to justify failing at my smoothie cleanse? Maybe. But I’ve decided to revise my New Year’s resolutions and I’m going to try to focus on actually enjoying my life. I still want to better myself but I’m not going to do it in ways that make me miserable. I don’t want to spend my life saving up happiness points and then find out later that I’m out of time with a stockpile I never cashed in. Recent events in my personal life have taught me that life and the plans you make can change from one breath to the next and frankly, I don’t want to waste any more time planning to be happy later. I figure I have a good chance of following my new resolution—provided I actually eat food.

True story.

This article was previously published by Eat Your Serial.