Why My House is So Clean

Writers have a knack for procrastination. We're pros--or at least, I am. I'll sit down with the intention to write and be suddenly aware of the looming piles of laundry that need washing. "I'll just start a quick load and then write while it washes--no biggie," I tell myself. Along the way, I notice that I somehow let my house fall into a state of deterioration and uncleanliness that would make it worthy of an episode of Hoarders.

Okay, maybe it's not quite that bad.

"I'll just pick up a few things," I'll tell myself. "I'm clearing out the clutter to open my mind for writing."

Six hour later, I've scrubbed my house from top to bottom and am folding my third load of laundry while watching a Toddlers and Tiaras marathon.

To answer your question:
yes, I do hate myself for watching this show.

At this point I realize that while my house is sparkling, I have done absolutely nothing in terms of writing. I'm about to start when my stomach growls and I'm reminded that it's time for dinner. After cooking, eating, and cleaning the kitchen, I'm exhausted from scouring the house (and slightly high from inhaling all the fumes from the cleaning products) and I don't have the energy to write. All I seem to be able to manage is to minimize the blank document and zone out as I stare zombie-like at the Internet.

Soul sucker.

Is my behavior atypical? I don't think so. But why is it that I have such a strong desire to do anything but when it comes to writing? I've thought about it and for me, I think it comes down to fear. Sure there are days that I just feel lazy but I love the feeling I get from writing, the feeling that I've created something unique. But the fear sets in because of self doubt--what if what I create isn't good enough? What if I spend all this time writing something that's just terrible and I fail? Not that everything I write has to be brilliant but there's a pathetic kind of safety net that I create for myself that says, "if I don't try, I can't fail."

I can't get hit by a car if I never leave my house.

Probably.

However, inaction is another form of failure. So what do I do now? How do I motivate myself to push forward?

To start, I have to ignore the mess. My house won't blow up if I leave the mess for an hour so I can write and the same goes for the laundry. Next, I need to drown out that insecure voice in my head which is often easier said than done. But I think the key is to remember that I write for me. Writing makes me happy and I shouldn't stress myself out. If I enjoy writing, I should write. If I don't, I should stop and find something else to do. Procrastinating is a failure to do something I love and I think that later in life I'll look back and I won't say, "Man, I'm glad my house was spotless," but I might say, "Wow, I remember how much fun I had writing that story."

If you love it, do it. Don't make up excuses to keep yourself from doing something you enjoy. If you let a fear of failure keep you from doing something, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because you've already failed by not trying.

The 90s Date: A Love Story

The Question

Asking for a date in the 90's was infinitely more terrifying than asking for a date today. You had to call the house because cell phones weren't a thing yet.

Unless you were Zack Morris.

And worst of all, it wasn't just your beloved who used that phone. You ran the risk of her father answering the call.

"Why am I calling? Uh . . . do you have a minute to discuss your long distance carrier?"

Preparation: Guy

Assuming you successfully made it through the harrowing process of asking for a date and your intended said yes, you waited somewhat patiently until the agreed upon day and time and then it's time to get ready.

First, you need the right outfit and Jncos are the obvious choice.

Because who doesn't need pants that can double as a flotation device in the event of a crash?

A Stussy shirt is just the thing to perfectly complement your voluminous pants.

The tie dye is indicative of your playful nature.

Shoes were a much more difficult decision. Do you go with Airwalks?

He knows what's up.

L.A. Gear Lights?

They can double as emergency flashers if your mom's Volvo breaks down.

Or BK Ratch Techs?

Because screw you, old lady, that's why.

Outfit selected, you make sure your frosted tips are properly gelled.

Not one of Jason Biggs's finer moments.
Yes, I'm including the pie scene.

Then you grab your chain wallet and you're out the door!

You sexy, sexy thing.

Preparation: Girl

The 90s was filled with so many fashion choices for women and it all boiled down to the kind of image you wanted to project. Did you want to go for a basic crop top?

A bare belly was a happy belly.

Obsessive label whoring?

Bonus points for overalls.

Grunge?

One flannel to rule them all.

Babydoll dress?

Vacant, drug-induced stare not required.

Or do you want to go simple with a high-waisted jean?

Can we all finally admit we survived a decade of mom jeans?

Outfit selected, it's time for hair. Depending on hair length, you could slick it back in a ponytail with two small strands of hair pulled down in front.

That way, you can have your hair pulled back
and it can still annoyingly be in your face!

Or you could accessorize with entirely too many butterfly clips.

They're like cornrows for white girls.

If you're having a bad hair day, you could always just cover it up with a large hat.

Giant flowers are always a plus.

Now for the makeup. Frosted eye shadow is a must.

Bonus points if the rest of your makeup completely washes you out.

A quick dusting of body glitter is next.

Too much.

Finally, a swipe of your favorite Lip Smacker and you're ready.

Dr. Pepper was obviously the best.

Just toss your keys in your teeny tiny backpack and wait for your date!

Adorable and functional!

The Car Ride: Guy

Music selection is crucial to set the mood. But say you're not sure what kind of music your date likes.

Pop princesses?

A bigger debate than Pepsi vs. Coke.

Boy bands?

I wish Justin Timberlake's hair stayed that way for always.

Grunge?

Smells like teen spirit.
And probably B.O.

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?

Or when in doubt, you can't go wrong with Biggie Smalls.

The Date

Once you arrived at the mall, you had to make the difficult decision of what to watch.

The Shawshank Redemption?

A moving film but it's probably not going to get you laid.

Forrest Gump?

It's unlikely that the lingering images of Lieutenant Dan
are going to help you get under that crop top and baggy pants combo she's rocking.

Exactly like that.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective?

This might get you laid.
Especially if she appreciates the talking butt thing.

or do you risk going chick flick and see something like Clueless?

You'll probably get laid but you might not be able to after having your manhood taken away by watching a chick flick like this.

One thing's for sure--when the movie is over, you can't go wrong with Dippin' Dots.

It's from . . . THE FUTURE!!!