Why My House is So Clean

Writers have a knack for procrastination. We're pros--or at least, I am. I'll sit down with the intention to write and be suddenly aware of the looming piles of laundry that need washing. "I'll just start a quick load and then write while it washes--no biggie," I tell myself. Along the way, I notice that I somehow let my house fall into a state of deterioration and uncleanliness that would make it worthy of an episode of Hoarders.

Okay, maybe it's not quite that bad.

"I'll just pick up a few things," I'll tell myself. "I'm clearing out the clutter to open my mind for writing."

Six hour later, I've scrubbed my house from top to bottom and am folding my third load of laundry while watching a Toddlers and Tiaras marathon.

To answer your question:
yes, I do hate myself for watching this show.

At this point I realize that while my house is sparkling, I have done absolutely nothing in terms of writing. I'm about to start when my stomach growls and I'm reminded that it's time for dinner. After cooking, eating, and cleaning the kitchen, I'm exhausted from scouring the house (and slightly high from inhaling all the fumes from the cleaning products) and I don't have the energy to write. All I seem to be able to manage is to minimize the blank document and zone out as I stare zombie-like at the Internet.

Soul sucker.

Is my behavior atypical? I don't think so. But why is it that I have such a strong desire to do anything but when it comes to writing? I've thought about it and for me, I think it comes down to fear. Sure there are days that I just feel lazy but I love the feeling I get from writing, the feeling that I've created something unique. But the fear sets in because of self doubt--what if what I create isn't good enough? What if I spend all this time writing something that's just terrible and I fail? Not that everything I write has to be brilliant but there's a pathetic kind of safety net that I create for myself that says, "if I don't try, I can't fail."

I can't get hit by a car if I never leave my house.

Probably.

However, inaction is another form of failure. So what do I do now? How do I motivate myself to push forward?

To start, I have to ignore the mess. My house won't blow up if I leave the mess for an hour so I can write and the same goes for the laundry. Next, I need to drown out that insecure voice in my head which is often easier said than done. But I think the key is to remember that I write for me. Writing makes me happy and I shouldn't stress myself out. If I enjoy writing, I should write. If I don't, I should stop and find something else to do. Procrastinating is a failure to do something I love and I think that later in life I'll look back and I won't say, "Man, I'm glad my house was spotless," but I might say, "Wow, I remember how much fun I had writing that story."

If you love it, do it. Don't make up excuses to keep yourself from doing something you enjoy. If you let a fear of failure keep you from doing something, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because you've already failed by not trying.

The 90s Date: A Love Story

The Question

Asking for a date in the 90's was infinitely more terrifying than asking for a date today. You had to call the house because cell phones weren't a thing yet.

Unless you were Zack Morris.

And worst of all, it wasn't just your beloved who used that phone. You ran the risk of her father answering the call.

"Why am I calling? Uh . . . do you have a minute to discuss your long distance carrier?"

Preparation: Guy

Assuming you successfully made it through the harrowing process of asking for a date and your intended said yes, you waited somewhat patiently until the agreed upon day and time and then it's time to get ready.

First, you need the right outfit and Jncos are the obvious choice.

Because who doesn't need pants that can double as a flotation device in the event of a crash?

A Stussy shirt is just the thing to perfectly complement your voluminous pants.

The tie dye is indicative of your playful nature.

Shoes were a much more difficult decision. Do you go with Airwalks?

He knows what's up.

L.A. Gear Lights?

They can double as emergency flashers if your mom's Volvo breaks down.

Or BK Ratch Techs?

Because screw you, old lady, that's why.

Outfit selected, you make sure your frosted tips are properly gelled.

Not one of Jason Biggs's finer moments.
Yes, I'm including the pie scene.

Then you grab your chain wallet and you're out the door!

You sexy, sexy thing.

Preparation: Girl

The 90s was filled with so many fashion choices for women and it all boiled down to the kind of image you wanted to project. Did you want to go for a basic crop top?

A bare belly was a happy belly.

Obsessive label whoring?

Bonus points for overalls.

Grunge?

One flannel to rule them all.

Babydoll dress?

Vacant, drug-induced stare not required.

Or do you want to go simple with a high-waisted jean?

Can we all finally admit we survived a decade of mom jeans?

Outfit selected, it's time for hair. Depending on hair length, you could slick it back in a ponytail with two small strands of hair pulled down in front.

That way, you can have your hair pulled back
and it can still annoyingly be in your face!

Or you could accessorize with entirely too many butterfly clips.

They're like cornrows for white girls.

If you're having a bad hair day, you could always just cover it up with a large hat.

Giant flowers are always a plus.

Now for the makeup. Frosted eye shadow is a must.

Bonus points if the rest of your makeup completely washes you out.

A quick dusting of body glitter is next.

Too much.

Finally, a swipe of your favorite Lip Smacker and you're ready.

Dr. Pepper was obviously the best.

Just toss your keys in your teeny tiny backpack and wait for your date!

Adorable and functional!

The Car Ride: Guy

Music selection is crucial to set the mood. But say you're not sure what kind of music your date likes.

Pop princesses?

A bigger debate than Pepsi vs. Coke.

Boy bands?

I wish Justin Timberlake's hair stayed that way for always.

Grunge?

Smells like teen spirit.
And probably B.O.

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?

Or when in doubt, you can't go wrong with Biggie Smalls.

The Date

Once you arrived at the mall, you had to make the difficult decision of what to watch.

The Shawshank Redemption?

A moving film but it's probably not going to get you laid.

Forrest Gump?

It's unlikely that the lingering images of Lieutenant Dan
are going to help you get under that crop top and baggy pants combo she's rocking.

Exactly like that.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective?

This might get you laid.
Especially if she appreciates the talking butt thing.

or do you risk going chick flick and see something like Clueless?

You'll probably get laid but you might not be able to after having your manhood taken away by watching a chick flick like this.

One thing's for sure--when the movie is over, you can't go wrong with Dippin' Dots.

It's from . . . THE FUTURE!!!

What Is It Worth?

*Note* This post might contain spoilers about Inside Llewyn Davis. Sorry.

Several weeks ago, I saw the movie Inside Llewyn Davis. I was really impressed by the film and I was fairly surprised since I'm not usually a big Coen brothers fan.

That's right, I didn't like The Big Lebowski.

I think the reason why I found this movie so compelling has to do with how much I identified with the main character, Llewyn Davis. Unfortunately, I found this kind of bothersome because Llewyn Davis is kind of a jackass. He's a folk singer in New York in 1961 and he's very talented but he's also rude, abrasive, a freeloader, he sleeps with his friend's wife and gets her pregnant, he's disconnected from his sister, nephew, and father, he finds out he has a child and doesn't make any attempt to contact the mother, and he abandons a really cute orange kitty in a car with a coked out John Goodman.

What a dick.

I'm not running around abandoning cats or impregnating other people's wives, but I admired Llewyn Davis's dedication to his craft. He has sacrificed everything else in his life in order to continue to write and perform music and I think that at some point, everyone who pursues a creative passion has to ask themselves the question:

how far am I willing to go and what am I willing to sacrifice in order to pursue my passion?

This is ultimately what determines how large of a role your creative endeavors will play in your life. If you're not willing to sacrifice much, it will probably be little more than a hobby. If you're willing to sacrifice more, your life will ultimately become about your craft, whether it be writing, music, painting, sculpting, or whatever else you enjoy doing.

Whatever floats your boat, dude.

Neither level of dedication or any of the areas in between are right or wrong, it's about finding what the right balance is for you as an individual. And total sacrifice in dedication of your passion doesn't guarantee success either. But creatively-inclined people need to ultimately make that decision about whether they're willing to sacrifice everything in order to feel like they are living their truth or if they're only comfortable with giving up little more than a Chopped marathon.

Oh my god I love Chopped.

While thinking about the premise for this article, I've been asking myself how much I'm willing to sacrifice for writing. I've loved books since I could read and I've wanted to be a writer since I was six years old and after giving it some thought, I've found the balance that currently works for me. I am willing to give up getting a higher paying job and continue working in service industry jobs I hate because they don't require me to take my work home with me so I can dedicate my free time towards writing. I am willing to deal with the judgement of other people who think I should give up on writing and get my shit together already and move on to something more financially promising or stable. I'm willing to tell people I write and endure their preconceived notions and the obnoxious statements and questions that, nine times out of ten, inevitably follow.

What I'm not willing to sacrifice, however, is time away from my family, especially my husband and son. If given the choice, I will always choose them. Does this mean that I will or won't have success as a writer? I have no idea. But I think it's important to set up your own parameters and boundaries to figure out exactly how much of your life that you're willing to give to your passion. Llewyn Davis gave everything and although I wouldn't make the same choices, I admire the dedication.

So now, all you creative people, you need to ask yourself the same question: how much am I willing to sacrifice for my art?

20 Movies Turning 20

With the advent of a new year, we're making resolutions and looking forward in terms of where we want to go. However, this is also a good time to look at where we've been and it doesn't need to all be so serious and quietly contemplative. In that spirit, I'd like to present 20 movies that are turning 20 this year! 

Note: It's possible there are spoilers in my comments. However, you've had 20 years to watch these movies so suck it up.

1. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

The movie that took "talking out of your ass" to a whole new level.

2. Blank Check

The movie that taught 90s kids that it's incredibly easy to cash a million dollar check without anyone asking too many questions. Also, giant, castle-style mansions go for well under a million dollars so you can still have enough money left over for a huge birthday party.

3. Junior

Arnold Schwarzenegger's most dignified acting role to date, perhaps rivaled only by Jingle All the Way.

4. Reality Bites

This movie, although 20 years old, is still completely relevant in capturing the feelings of recent college graduates. Yes, there are some people that seem to figure their shit out right away but for the rest of us, this movie makes us feel like maybe there's still hope.

5. The Hudsucker Proxy

The Coen brothers' hilarious and fictitious take on the invention of the hula hoop. I'm not usually a big fan of the Coen brothers' comedy films (I know, I know--please don't lynch me in the comments) but this one is pretty funny.

6. D2: The Mighty Ducks

"WEEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIIIIIIIIONS, MY FRIIIIIEEEEEENNNNNNND!"

7. Speed

Keanu must keep a city bus driving above 50 mph or it'll explode. Sandra Bullock gets roped in to driving. Drama ensues.

8. The Crow

This iconic cult classic is unfortunately tinged with sadness as it was Brandon Lee's final movie and he died during filming due to accidental gunfire in one of the movie scenes. But the movie lives on as his legacy and it's dedicated to Lee and his fiancee.

9. The Flintstones

I remember seeing this movie for a friend's birthday party/sleepover. All of us girls put up our hair like Pebbles and then the birthday girl's mom took us all to the theater. We looked AMAZING.

Fun fact, this was Elizabeth Taylor's last theatrical release film.

10. Legends of the Fall

Drama! Love triangles! Brad Pitt! Prohibition! Montana!

11. The Lion King

This Disney take on Shakespeare's Hamlet has certainly remained a classic standard for Disney movies and musicals. It's also inspired an incredibly successful Broadway show as well as one of my favorite TV moments of all time:

12. Forrest Gump

This iconic film chronicling one man's journey through several significant moments in 20th century American history won several Academy Awards and was selected for preservation in the United States National Film Registry as being historically, aesthetically, and culturally significant.

13. Angels in the Outfield

Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character doesn't understand the sarcasm when his deadbeat dad tells him that JGL can live with him when the Angels win the pennant. Instead, he wishes for real angels to come help his baseball team which includes players like Tony Danza, Adrien Brody, and Matthew McConaughey.

This . . . might be from a different movie.

14. It Could Happen to You

The movie where two very nice people win the lottery after lifetimes of racking up good karma and it turns out they're surrounded by assholes.

15. The Mask

Jim Carrey's second huge movie of 1994. I remember having the soundtrack to this movie on cassette and listening to it on my Walkman until my ears bled.

We're just going to pretend like this never happened.

16. Natural Born Killers

That's right, folks, one of the most controversial films of all time turns 20 this year. Although, as messed up as this movie is, it kind of pales in comparison to some of the twisted movies that have been released since.

17. Timecop

Jean-Claude Van Damme travels through time to save Ferris Bueller's girlfriend. Also, lots of stuff blows up.

18. Pulp Fiction

"Does he look like a bitch?"

19. The Shawshank Redemption

Based on Stephen King's novella Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption, it is considered one of the best movies of all time and is listed in the American Film Institute's list of the 100 best films of all time (fun fact: it outranks both Forrest Gump and Pulp Fiction).

20. Dumb and Dumber

Apparently the movie powers that be are working on a sequel, Dumb and Dumber To, that is set to be released in November. I'm not sure if I should be excited or saddened.