5 Most Annoying Responses to People Learning I'm a Writer

As a bartender, I end up stuck in a lot of small talk. Inevitably, since I live in a college town, customers will ask if I'm still in school and I'll tell them no, I've already graduated. They'll ask what I got my degree in and I'll tell them I got my Masters in creative writing. Could I just say English? Sure, but then I get the inevitable "Do you want to teach?" question.

Yeah, teaching isn't for me.

Instead, I honestly tell people my degree and I usually get one of five responses:

The 5 Most Annoying Responses to People Learning I'm a Writer

1. "You should write a book about me! My life is so crazy!"

When people tell me this, I'm reminded of how people think their dreams are interesting to people other than themselves and their therapists who are charging them an astronomical amount of money for every hour they prattle on about themselves. Oh, your dog turned into your mom and then you both square danced in a river of gravy while wearing dresses made out of toothpicks? How unusual and fascinating!

I feel like this is also applicable to people's lives. All of us experience our own dramas which, to us, are interesting because they involve and/or are centered around us. However, this doesn't mean that your life is necessarily interesting and book-worthy to the rest of the world. It's possible that you have, in fact, had an interesting and book-worthy life but the phrase I mentioned is mostly said by people in their early twenties whose greatest accomplishment is successfully completing multiple keg stands at a frat party.

Chapter 4: Making My Parents Proud

2. "I'm a writer, too! Well, I haven't really written anything yet but I have the BEST idea for a book!"

"It's like this, only with gravy and all the clothes are made out of toothpicks."

Neat. Shut up and write it already. Also, if you don't write then you're not a writer. That's like being a painter who doesn't paint or a runner that doesn't run but instead puts one of those "26.2" stickers on their car for when they complete a marathon "someday."

3. "You know, that's a really hard industry to get into. Have you thought this through?"

Yes, asshole, I have. I'm aware of how difficult it is but this is something I'm passionate about. As such, I've done my research and sometimes it gets very disheartening. Everyone, myself included, likes to fancy themselves to be the Next Great American Writer. It also gets very depressing because in order to get published, you often have to hear a lot of no's. Rejection letters pile up, you're told again and again that your work isn't what they're looking for, and the Scotch bottle slowly runs out.

"You like my writing, right? You think I'm talented, don't you?"

However, all those no's make the eventual yes that much more exciting. Of course, you could argue that chasing the yes is kind of like chasing the high from your first hit of heroin. 

The dragon is a three book deal from Random House.

4. "How long are you going to give yourself before you get realistic and try something else?"

Until I die, dude. Until I die. I can't imagine doing anything else and writing makes me happy, despite the slightly depressing realities of attempting to make it a financially viable career. I've often heard that you should pursue a career doing whatever you would gladly do for free and for me, that's writing. Even if my family and the friends I browbeat into reading my work are the only ones who read it, creating it gives me a sense of satisfaction that I simply haven't found while doing anything else. 

5. "If it doesn't work out, you could always teach!"

See above. Teaching is not for me. I have a lot of respect for teachers but I frankly don't have the patience for it. Those that do are to be lauded and, in my opinion, paid a hell of a lot more than they are, but alas, I am not one of them.

So if these are the most annoying things you can say to a writer, what are you supposed to say? Pretty much anything but these things. If you want to talk about it, ask the writer what they're working on, ask them what they like to write, or ask them if they've published anything you might have seen. If you find out they're a writer and you either think it's stupid or you honestly just don't give a shit, start talking about the weather. Trust me, "boy, it sure is hot today!" is preferable to anything I've listed here.

"When do you think we'll get some rain?"
"Also, do you really think it's financially responsible to pursue a career in a dying medium?"