4 Questions I Can No Longer Answer Politely

"There's no such thing as a stupid question," is a fucking lie. There are all kinds of stupid questions and after working in the service industry, there are several questions that I fear I am now incapable of answering without calling the asker an idiot.

1. How do I get upstairs?

This might seem innocuous but I periodically get this question at the hotel where I work. Someone will walk in the front door, stop and gaze at the stairs, then turn to me and ask, "How do I get upstairs?"

"The stairs are for display purposes only. You're going to want to head into the back room to our teleportation pad. The wizard who operates it will explain everything."

I should warn you, he does require a blood sacrifice.

2. Why don't you carry my favorite brand of obscure vodka/whiskey/tequila/fire water?

People seem personally offended when we didn't anticipate their arrival and stock up on their favorite brand of liquor that literally no one else has ever ordered from us. Restaurants and bars stock what sells--if your favorite whatever turns out to be in high demand, we'll consider stocking it. But berating your waiter or bartender is not going to make it magically appear. We really don't have it in stock, we're not just hoarding it all for ourselves.

Or are we?

3. Why aren't there any open tables for me in this crowded bar?

Because we're fucking busy. If you had to wait in line behind four other customers just to ask me why there aren't any open tables, that should be your first clue. I'm sorry you don't have anywhere to sit but I'm not going to kick out other customers so you can have your own table, princess.

"Sorry, ma'am, the other lady with the chocolate martini really wanted to sit down."

4. Are you sure you don't have any open hotel rooms for this weekend?

I work in a historic hotel with only eleven hotel rooms and we generally book up quickly. If I say we're booked up for the weekend, I'm not trying to screw you over just so you don't have a hotel room.

"Actually, we do have MANY hotel rooms available but NONE FOR YOU! MUAHAHAHA!"

I think it might be time for me to take a break from the service industry.